


Falling Into Blood Lines

by Howardson



Category: The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: F/M, I ship Nikolai and Zoya, Light Angst, Major King of Scars spoilers, Nikolais thoughts of what he wished was, So hard, but it can’t happen, kinda sad, king of scars spoilers, not until Ravka pulls its shit together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2020-03-05 18:24:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 793
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18834208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howardson/pseuds/Howardson
Summary: Nikolai has to do what’s right for Ravka. Even if he sacrifices the one person he loves.





	Falling Into Blood Lines

**Author's Note:**

> Yo please don’t read if you haven’t read King of Scars.  
> If you have, go ahead!

The castle has never felt colder. 

Sure Nikolai could say this wasn’t the warmest, the most welcoming place to grow up in. Always trying to be like his older brother, to gain attention from his parents. Never ending manners, dances, and school classes. Finding solace in small things was something Nikolai could pride himself in. 

The quiet after dark used to be his favorite time as a child. Wander the halls with only a few candles. Seeing shadows dance through corridors, his fathers men about their late chores. Seeing what truly went behind his warm baths, Fresh cloths, and delicious breakfast. Looking back, this is what inspired Nikolai of his passion for seeing beyond. No man was less than the other until proven they were. And some work harder than others to show just how great they are.

Though his treasured nights was when a servant would catch him and simply smile. They would offer their hand and show him through passage ways. Stairs he never knew about to show a glimpse of a world he never imagined. Of labor and hard nights. Scurrying off to bed as the sun rose was never a bad day. 

Even those cold nights could never describe the feeling deep in his bones as he escorts his now fiancée to her own separate room. Princess Ehri was to be his wife, something Nikolai has loathed sense the idea was broached. Now there was no choice, The attempt on his life- or rather Isaak’s- wouldn’t allow choices. Ehri couldn’t be set free as to expose Nikolai’s cover boy Isaak. Handing over Ehri to Tolya to lock her room, This feeling could be placed with the fact Nikolai didn’t trust himself with this new wife. The darkness inside him was still there, faint, but there. He simply wasn’t safe in her presence, or anyone else’s.

But that would so be lying to himself. There was a person Nikolai felt safe around. A person who he trusted his life to and would do anything for some time alone together. Someone he would never have, a General, a friend, but never a lover.

His own heart ached as Nikolai walked back to his chambers alone. Not but a couple months ago Zoya would accompany him. They would exchange witty banter all the way to his bed. He would watch as she would chain him up in the hopes to contain this monster inside him. The feeling of soft, but firm touches of her hands around his wrist left him breathless. A spell would send him asleep before Zoya said goodnight, only to wake up to a spoken good morning his very soul consumed. To wake up to her face, her black eyes watching. Caring but just enough to seem casual. A deep burden in her eyes that wanted to care, but she never granted herself.

They grew closer in the Fold. Zoya was the very reason he survived in the first place. Nikolai didn’t expect his need for her was so desperate that he could control the darkness, but Nikolai was a hopeless romantic. Even if he pursued a relationship with her that Nikolai is fairly certain Zoya feels a degree of his own, Ravka would never accept a Grisha Queen. Nikolai is trying to change the country for good, not start another war on top of another war.

So alone he goes, along the dark halls of his childhood. Wishing things had gone easier. Things could be more in his favor. That Zoya didn’t start pulling away since his Engagement. Falling even more into her general role. That the darkness in him was fully gone, that he hasn’t told everyone that he was fine. That the reason Ehri is put away is the fact she might try something. Not because deep down, Nikolai is afraid to hurt her. To hurt everyone he cares about. That having Yuri close by scares him. The fact the Darkling in Yuri scares him, that his very presence will snap this monster inside him into attack mode. 

Maybe Zoya shouldn’t be blamed for all the lack of talking. Tolya and Tamar have attempted to talk to him but are met with resistance. Nikolai just needs a break. Any moment the Darkling could escape. Princess Ehri will take away many problems once he gets an hair. But he’s not one force anything on a women. Things take time and he tried to give the best option to the Shu women. Everyone needs time to adjust. To form a plan. 

Especially Nikolai, who strips down and climbs into his silky bed. Waiting to be met with an endless night filled with the ones he loved. Knowing that the sounds he will here won’t be their joyful laughter.

**Author's Note:**

> Had a creative burst and wrote this. Very little editing.  
> I love Nikolai so much and King of Scars gave me so much to work with.


End file.
